I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Enjoy the penises
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
