Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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