i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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