I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
