A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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