u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
