I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
