You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
