Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
