I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
