I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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