True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
