I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
