I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
