He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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