I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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