I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
