and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
