I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
