Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
