Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
