we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
