Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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