Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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