like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
