That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
