Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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