I just pynch a tree in the face
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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