I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
