Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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