Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I want her autograph on my taint
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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