Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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