He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
