My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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