there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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