my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
