Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
