I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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