You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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