it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
