Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
The air taste purple.
Randomize
