so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
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Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
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Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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