Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
