I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
