I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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