What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Randomize
