I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
