Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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