eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
