I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
