Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
