If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
