WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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