This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
