i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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