I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
