Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
