Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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