My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
