Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
