On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
