I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
